“I Turned Out Just Fine” Part I- Spanking IS Assault.

Where to start?

I was ‘whipped’ when I misbehaved as a child. Not spanked, ‘whipped’. Sometimes it was for bad behaviour, like damaging a neighbour’s property. Sometimes it was for failing to live up to expectations, like bringing home a bad report card. My Father would take off his belt, fold it in half and hold me by the neck across a chair or bed while he wailed away with his belt until he was exhausted. By today’s standards I know this would qualify as severe abuse in anybody’s opinion but back then (1960’s) it might have been considered a bit extreme but not uncommon. I know this because kids traded stories. Also because, in the summer time, when bedroom windows were open, you always knew when someone was getting a whuppin’.

I know that he felt obliged to do this. It was his ‘God-given responsibility’ and, as much as it hurt him to do so, he had no choice but to carry out his disciplinary duties, just as his father had done with him. That’s what he often told us and I believed him at the time. What was the alternative? I couldn’t believe he actually enjoyed inflicting such suffering. There had to be some real, valid justification that I would (hopefully) come to understand in due time. I remember the confusing and conflicting thoughts I used to have about whether or not I would be able to face my responsibilities when I became a parent.

But as I got older I gradually became less accepting of the core truths that my Dad embraced so unquestioningly. The more I thought about it the more I realized that nobody deserved to be beat like that. There was no logic to inflicting that kind of pain no matter what the infraction. One time I got a beating because he couldn’t hear the TV over the racket we were making playing in the bedroom upstairs. He’d been yelling at us to keep it down but we couldn’t hear him. I’ll never forget the shock and feeling of unfairness I felt when he came through the door, belt in hand, and furiously taught us “a lesson we wouldn’t soon forget!” I went through stages of hating him, fearing him and pitying him. Eventually I felt a lot of guilt because I found it very difficult to visit him or provide support when he needed it as his health gradually declined. He didn’t teach me right from wrong, he taught me “don’t get caught”. I learned to cover my tracks, hide the evidence, shift the blame, lie, deny, feign ignorance, do anything to avoid a whuppin’.

It was my mother (mostly) who taught me to put myself in other people’s shoes; to consider how I would like to be treated before I did something that would affect somebody else. When children are small they are naturally selfish and tend to be quite inconsiderate of others. Still, when a parent or teacher explains the concept of treating others as you would like to be treated, it has an intuitive, logical truth to it. The more you think about it the more incontrovertibly obvious it becomes that we can’t expect others to follow rules of fairness and decency that we choose not to follow ourselves. If might makes right there will always be someone (or some group) who is mightier than me. I resolved that I would never strike my children because I wanted them to understand that we all need to do what is right simply because it is right, not because of a threat of force or violence.

I’m ashamed to say that I have not been completely successful in keeping my resolution. There were times, when my kids were small, that I smacked a hand or paddled a bum. There is no excuse for those occasions. I realized, after the fact, that I had acted out of frustration and anger. I think I may have identified with my Dad at those times and felt their acts of defiance or insubordination justified some form of punishment… or was I just being a bully using force to get my way?

I know that kids need to learn that acts and decisions have consequences. But there are plenty of unpleasant or undesirable consequences that don’t involve physical violence. Aside from the aforementioned open-handed spankings, I’m happy to say that my kids never got ‘the belt’ or ‘the wooden spoon’. They weren’t little angels and they certainly didn’t comply with our wishes or follow our commands unquestioningly. As frustrating as that might have been at the time I’m extremely proud of them today and I’m very happy to say that we are all really good friends. My daughter is 32 and lives out of town but visits often. My sons are 30 and 27, both married and live here in North Bay and we look forward to seeing each other at least once a week. My kids are the joy of my life these days.

I still feel guilty that I was never really able to get close to my Dad, but it saddens me even more that he passed away in 1997 without ever knowing the friendship that I share with my wonderful kids. I don’t think he ever knew what he was missing.

George, thank you for starting this conversation.

Fair enough, let’s play this game.

If my “child” refuses to eat their dinner, yet I force them to sit there and eat it anyways, you could claim imprisonment and assault. After all, if I do this to my “wife” or my “employee”, this would be imprisonment.

If my “child” wants to run around the grocery store, and I grab their arm and make them walk with me, this is a form assault. After all, if I did this to my “wife” or did this to my “employee”, it would be assault.

If my “child” was dirty, and I cleaned their bottom while they screamed “no”, this is sexual assault. After all, if I did this to my “wife” or my “employee” while they told me to stop, I could be tried and convicted as a sexual predator.

Abusing children is wrong. There is an arguable difference between abuse and physical discipline. Parents have rights to raise their children to a point where mentally and physically, they are ready to enter the world as an adult. Part of living in a society with so many different ideas and people, is to learn to accept that others are different.

My father spanked me as a child. He hated doing it, and it was used only as a frustrated, last resort to stop some stubborn, selfish, out-of-control behavior. If he had been arrested for assault, I would have grown up with a single parent, and perhaps without the lessons he taught me that I, and society now values.

When a child turns out emotionally and physically harmed from an abusive family, spanking likely isn’t the only problem. The problem stems from a lack of love and understanding for their fellow children. Even where a parent fails, if a community is outwardly loving, compassionate, and caring, there is always a place to turn to for the abused. We can heal where others harm.

Finding ways to tell other people what they should, or shouldn’t do has become the norm. We are all better off finding the love within ourselves needed to forgive, accept, and encourage others to move together on the path of peace.

– The Liberty Disciple