“Time To Get Rapture Ready”- Pope Honky Reports.
Pope Honky I a.k.a. Jeremy of Cafe Witteveen reports that the rapture will begin in 2011, starting May 21st. The rapture will begin in earnest with those of us Left Behind forced to wade through another grueling 5 months of recession and a Secret Muslim Presidency before the official End of Days in October. The only good news for those of us who must wait is that the proportion of self righteous assholes on the planet should be greatly diminished, and a larger slate of PGA and MLB games will be broadcast on television to fill the void left by Sunday Morning Religious Programming. NASCAR will, unfortunately, be canceled. We can all be grateful for this, yet that asshole Jesus won’t even give us one more Thanksgiving holiday to celebrate.
Confirmation of the pending apocalypse comes from Harold Camping of California-based Family Radio Worldwide, whose own calculations are responsible for the May 21st prediction. He is joined by many supporters, including Chris McCann of eBible Fellowship and legions of other perfectly sane individuals who are traveling cross country to spread the “good news”. There is even a website, We Can Know, which is dedicated to disseminating the message to people just smart enough to operate a computer yet gullible enough to believe everything they read on it. In an effort to lend credence to the story and not at all to make light of abject stupidity, the Washington Post recently jumped on board with an article discussing the issue.
In preparation for the coming apocalypse, several heathens are beginning to question their favorite hairdressers and restaurant owners on their relative piety, in the hopes that they will still be able to get a decent haircut and/or Sausage-on-a-Bun between May and October of this year. “I, gladly, have a gay hairdresser,” says one atheist “I can only imagine what others must be going through.” Another atheist laments “If I can’t get some grits, if I have to eat Baba Ganoush and Naan for five months, I swear I’ll have to kill somebody.”
Pope Honky warns his followers not to invest in any cosmetic companies that cater to Caucasians exclusively, as they are the largest group to be Rapture Ready, nor in sunscreen or bland food products as the majority of the existing population will be brown and ethnic. He says that these measures will help keep your finances in order until the billions of dollars stolen by Christian Churches is dispersed in a massive Global lottery, planned sometime in June.
For more information on this story you can read the article at the Washington Post, or visit Wecanknow.com