Humour
On Marriage, Part 1: Whereby a Father Explains Marriage To His Son In A Conservative Dystopia
This is Part 1 of my two part contribution to the Forward Thinking project on this months topic “What Does Marriage Mean To You?” The Forward Thinking Project is an amazing online community project started by Libby Anne of Love, Joy, Feminism and Daniel Finke of Camels With Hammers. For more information or how you can contribute click on the links above.
Part 1 is a satirical imagined conversation between a father and son regarding the meaning of marriage. For my personal feelings on what marriage means to me, please check out Part 2.
Son: Dad, What is Marriage?
Father: Oh boy. Is it really that time already? I’ve been dreading “the talk” since the day you were born…..
Son: Really Dad? You are aware that I am seventeen, right? I mean, I thought that “the talk” was about sex and stuff- we never had that talk either……
Father: And we never will, son; we never will. Sex is a conversation you need to have after an awkward and humiliating honeymoon with your equally clueless wife. It’s the way God intended.
Son: I did hear a bit about it from friends at school. Well, the ones who got permission from their parents to attend the “Commitment Classes” that the Priest came in for. Why didn’t I get permission to go to that again?
Father: He was Catholic and I didn’t want you to start questioning the degree of your depravity, I thought we went over this. Can we get back to marriage?
Son: Sure.
Father: You see, son, as we all know- the government owns a woman’s vagina. One day, when you are older and ready to breed, you are going to meet a woman who makes you want to pray a little harder to Jesus for the strength to overcome sexual sin- and this is the time you are going to contemplate marriage. When you are ready, you will complete a three way transaction between the woman’s father (her owner), the government (the owner of her vagina), and yourself (the prospective owner and lessee). Essentially you are seeking a licence from the government to transfer ownership from her father to yourself as well as secure a lease of the woman’s vagina from the government. My wedding was beautiful…..
Son: That doesn’t sound all that beautiful, dad.
Father: But it is, son, it is! There is nothing better than a wedding- it’s one of those “milestone moments” in your life- like showing off your first muscle car to your buddies. You wax her all up, get’er real shiny, then burn rubber around the neighbourhood to let everyone know who’s got a new set of wheels….
Son: Are you talking about Mom?
Father: Sorry, got carried away. Did I ever tell you I had a ’74 Charger with a 318? God I loved that car…….
Son: Don’t people get married for love?
Father: No! Who told you that? Love has nothing to do with marriage. Just think about it- if you could just marry ANYTHING you loved, then men would just go around marrying their favourite dog, or their mom, or even another man! Heck, I’d be married to a ’74 Charger. Love is just a pleasant bonus in a marriage, like finding a $10 bill in a pair of jeans you bought at the Goodwill.
Son: So you didn’t love mom when you married her?
Father: Is she in the room right now? ….Yes, of course I did. Love can be something to consider when you get married- I’m just saying it isn’t definitional to a marriage. People who don’t love each other get married all the time.
Son: Then why do they read 1Corinthians at weddings?
Father:First, Paul wasn’t writing that about marriage. Second, you remember when you were a kid and you had a dental appointment that you didn’t want to go to, so I told you there was candy in the car so that you would go with me- and then I bought you a Blizzard afterwards because I felt guilty for lying to you? It’s kind of like that. And by “kind of like that” I mean it’s exactly like that.
Son: This is all quite confusing and depressing, Dad. I don’t think I want to get married…
Father: I know son. I blame the liberals. Do you want to see pictures of me with my ’74 Charger?
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 5 so far )Satire, Sarcasm, and Irony- Why can’t the Conservative Right do it intentionally?
Or….
Meta-Irony and my Infinite Gladness
So this graphic popped up on my Facebook feed today:
I commented on the irony of it all, which prompted one of my conservative friends to ask me if I couldn’t recognize satire. Oh, I recognize satire alright. Only, this isn’t it.
See, satire is supposed to be ridiculing an opposing position. It is supposed to make the plain reading of the text absurd. I don’t get that here. I get that it is supposed to be sarcastic (clue: a reference to “gay ideology”)- I also think it misses the mark. There is nothing particularly absurd about telling Christian kids that their bible based views are not sacrosanct.
In this case the author of this graphic attempted to use sarcasm as a tool to ridicule people who refuse to give special privilege to ideas because they stem from fundamental Christianity. They attempted to use satire by mocking the It Gets Better campaign launched by Dan Savage. It may seem to be sarcastic (and satire) to a fundamentalist Christian, but it strikes me as a form of meta-irony, where the sarcasm actually paints a relatively positive spin on the very issue (s)he was trying to skewer. So if it is satire, it is horribly ineffective. Even as sarcasm it misses the mark to a non-myopic audience.
It is ironic because the author meant to use sarcasm and instead ended up coming up with a pretty good idea. It is probably in the interests of everyone to educate young Christians that once they exit the bubble of a public school system that walks on egg shells and a social circle their parents have some control over- they will be mocked, vilified, marginalized and ridiculed. It would be positive for all of us if they went into the world understanding that religion is no excuse for sloppy logic, gross generalizations, and Bronze-Age morality.
“But I only said ‘God doesn’t suffer a woman to teach’!- I’m just following the bible“- is not going to cut it in the real world. “Any man who lies with a man as he does with a woman is an abomination and should be put to death” – is totes fine if you happen to be with your fellow Christian brothers, but it won’t win you brownie points in the office staff room. The real world is waiting. The rational world is waiting…..
Maybe we ought to think about telling them that “It Gets Worse”
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An Open Letter to The Tone Troll
Hi there!
I bet you’re wondering why I’m writing you this letter. You might even be wondering why people are all so mad at you right now- and why they are calling you mean names. I know, I know- you were only trying to help, right? You just wanted to see a little decorum, a little civility- and everyone is just amplifying the very thing you are trying to help them discard. It must be frustrating. It must feel as though you are experiencing the cruel effects of tribalism- a sort of “internet xenophobia”, if you will. You are a mere missionary preaching the gospel of civil discourse and the lynch mob stands with torches and pitchforks waiting for you at the county line.
Amirite?
Here is the thing. Those people you were trying to help? They are having a conversation. That conversation has a topic. That topic is important to them. It is important enough that they are wearing their gut reactions on their sleeves. So when you come waltzing in, and you say “Guys- hey, guys- Y U mad, bro?” they are more than likely going to turn on you.
Why, you ask? You’re only trying to let cooler heads prevail, right? I totally get what you’re feeling right now. I understand.
What you need to understand is that the reason they are mad is right in front of you. It’s right there- in the post you are reading. Heck, it may even be summed up pretty succinctly in the title of the post. Yet here you are, telling these people that you don’t understand what could possibly have them up in arms. This, to them, is the problem.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 9 so far )Imagine you find yourself in a hotel burning to the ground. You see a number of people frantically yelling to wake the guests up- pounding on doors and shouting. You have that mental image yet? Don’t worry, I’ll wait….. (more…)
Getting Our Priorities In Order & Coming Out On Facebook
I love this conversation.
Here is a guy who comes out of the closet on Facebook and gets the best ever reaction. His friends are rightly indignant and critical of his choice.
Thanks to HSSE on Facebook for the link!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )Why William Lane Craig Is A Vacuous Tit, Part 2: Craig Considers Abortion A “Loving Act”, Feels For The Poor Abortion Doctors Who Do God’s Good Work.
Us atheists hate William Lane Craig. He’s such a paragon of bullet-proof logic. I find myself having
Dr. Death shows his fangs in this file photo.
to re-think everything I’ve ever assumed based on his biting critique of my worldview.
God has certainly blessed this man. (fair warning, that link takes you to la-la land)
He almost had me rushing down to the river for a baptism, ready to drown in The Spirit- until I found out that he is not just Pro Choice, a stand I completely agree with….but Pro Abortion. As in it is the best possible thing for a mother to do. As in it is preferred to letting fetus’ go full term.
William Lane Craig thinks killing babies is the Christian thing to do. I can’t possibly condone the senseless murder of children just to save their precious little souls. I guess I’ll have to remain an atheist.
Quoting Dr. Death himself:
Moreover, if we believe, as I do, that God’s grace is extended to those who die in infancy or as small children, the death of these children was actually their salvation. We are so wedded to an earthly, naturalistic perspective that we forget that those who die are happy to quit this earth for heaven’s incomparable joy. Therefore, God does these children no wrong in taking their lives.
So Dr. Death Craig is making it perfectly clear that the murder of infants actually constitutes their salvation. My own un-Christian worldview has me tied too firmly to my earthly, naturalistic perspective. Shame on me for putting earthly value on these poor little souls. I should be ashamed of myself, I guess.
So whom does God wrong in commanding the destruction of the Canaanites? Not the Canaanite adults, for they were corrupt and deserving of judgement. Not the children, for they inherit eternal life. So who is wronged? Ironically, I think the most difficult part of this whole debate is the apparent wrong done to the Israeli soldiers themselves. Can you imagine what it would be like to have to break into some house and kill a terrified woman and her children? The brutalizing effect on these Israeli soldiers is disturbing.
This is where Dr. Death Craig is pleading for Christians to show compassion and
In this photo, Dr. Craig contemplates how he might undermine his own arguments.
mercy to the poor abortion doctors, who are just assisting in the salvation of infants. Shame on you for being so judgmental!
But then, again, we’re thinking of this from a Christianized, Western standpoint. For people in the ancient world, life was already brutal. Violence and war were a fact of life for people living in the ancient Near East. Evidence of this fact is that the people who told these stories apparently thought nothing of what the Israeli soldiers were commanded to do (especially if these are founding legends of the nation). No one was wringing his hands over the soldiers’ having to kill the Canaanites; those who did so were national heroes.
That last part dovetails nicely with Dr. Death Craig’s statements in several debates that morality is objective. I believe it is. Dr. Death wants you to know that it isn’t really. If you lived in the Bronze Age Middle East, it is entirely relevant to remember and give weight to the moral compass of the time. Since an eminent and well respected Christian Apologist has told us that proper interpretation of the bible is that morality is relative, and since he concedes along with me that morality is objective, he is de facto telling me that the bible is not to be trusted.
Or maybe he is not to be trusted….
Regardless, William Lane Craig is a Vacuous Tit.
Thanks to Café Witteveen for the heads up.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 98 so far )A Three Sentance Book Review Of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
This is the best thing I have read on the internet ever!
There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.
From the comments on this site (originally attributed to John Rogers- thanks be to Mary for the correction…)
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 4 so far )My Personal Ruminations On The Coming Federal Elections-Part 1: The Illusion Of Choice
There is an election coming up here in Canada. Most of my American readers won’t have more than just a passing curiosity at that statement; for those who care though, here are my feelings regarding the choices I face.
Canada has a federal election at the discretion of our Prime Minister, barring a vote of 
non-confidence, about every four years or so- with a single term limited to a maximum of five years. Does that sound confusing? You betcha! What it amounts to is this. The effective head of our federal government can call an election whenever he wants (with approval from the Governor General, the Queen’s representative in Canada) within his or her five year mandate. Tradition dictates this happens every four or so years, assuming that the Prime Minister has the confidence of the Parliament. If the Members of Parliament vote non-confidence, either directly or by refusing passage of important legislation (the budget being the most important), then the Governor General must either dissolve Parliament or ask the opposition if they are able to form a coalition government in place of the current regime. Still sound confusing? You don’t know the half of it….The good news is that if you understood everything I just said then you know more than the average voter in this election.
Our current Prime Minister is Stephen Harper, the Emperor Palpatine of Canadian Politics. He is the leader of the Conservative Party, and with 143 of a total 308 seats in the House of
Stephen "Emperor Palpatine" Harper
Commons (Parliament), he has a minority government. This means that to pass legislation with a 50% majority, he needs to depend on the votes of at minimum 12 opposition Members. The Last Federal election was October of 2008, when Harper increased his seat count, and this last term was his third as a minority Prime Minister.
The election is scheduled for May 2nd, and it essentially exists as a two horse race between the Conservatives under the leadership of Harper and the Liberals under the leadership of Micheal Ignatieff, the Jar-Jar Binks of Canadian politics- to stick with the same franchise. If you are a betting man, I’ll place odds right now that Harper will still be Prime Minister May 3rd, but with a slightly smaller seat count. If it is quite a bit smaller, I also expect an NDP-Liberal coalition in the near future, and this wouldn’t be a horrible thing. Well, other than having
Michael "Iggy" Ignatieff
to watch the Canadian political equivalent of Jar-Jar Binks on my T.V. more frequently.
So here lie my choices. There are really four parties that field decent candidates in my home riding, and I’ll introduce those not privy to the intricacies of Canadian politics to those four parties now. If you want to get an idea of who you might vote for if you were a Canadian, or if you are a Canadian who doesn’t know who to vote for, here’s a great little Vote Compass that CBC News is offering. It asks a series of policy questions and places you on a graph with the major parties, including the Bloc Quebecois, which I will discuss briefly at the end of this post. The four National parties, in order of current seat count in the House of Commons, are… (more…)
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 13 so far )An Epidemic Of Abject Idiocy….
So my wife and I are watching T.V. the other night, and we are watching the tail end of the St. John’s Newfoundland newscast, when I see a story that piques my interest.
I think to myself,”George, this would make a great little lighthearted piece for blog fodder.”
One More Reason To Be Afraid Of Clowns
So I Google it this morning, thinking that it should be in the news in the appropriate local paper. I couldn’t find the original story I saw on T.V., but was surprised to learn that I had stumbled across an apparent epidemic…..
It’s not the first time a Newfoundlander has been arrested for drunk driving by falling asleep in a McDonald’s Drive-Thru.
Police in St. John’s said they arrested a man for impaired driving at an unusual location: the drive-thru lane at a McDonald’s restaurant.
Staff at an unspecified outlet called police early Monday morning when the man fell asleep at the wheel of his vehicle, the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary said.
The man, 37, was held pending a court appearance on charges of impaired driving and driving while prohibited.
It isn’t the first time it has happened in Canada.
On Sunday July 29th, 2007 at about 5:54pm County of Wellington OPP officers responded to a report of a man asleep behind the wheel in the Drive-thru lane of McDonalds located on Tower Street, Fergus.
Officers attended and found a 1996 Pontiac Transport van in the Drive-thru lane and the driver asleep. The driver was awakened by police and found to have been drinking. Malcolm Ross Woods aged 25 years of Elora has been charged with Impaired Driving and Over 80 mgs. Woods is scheduled to appear in Guelph Court on August 20th, 2007 to answer to the charges.
A Sign Of The Times....
IT ISN’T.…….. EVEN………THAT UNCOMMON………………SERIOUSLY:
Preston Parker, a Florida State wide receiver, is the latest “victim” of the trend, and most embarrassingly, he was in the McDonald’s drive-thru when he got busted.
According to police, Parker had fallen asleep with his car’s engine running and the transmission in drive. When he woke up, according to police, an officer smelled alcohol on his breath.
Parker, 21, needed to lean against his car to find balance, struggled through a field sobriety test and admitted that he had smoked marijuana either Friday night or early Saturday morning, police said.
Oddly, Parker still “passed” a breathalyzer test, registering only a .054, which is below the Florida legal limit (even though he failed a field test; I assume this is the grounds for the DUI).
This is proof positive that our civilization is in decline.
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